What does it mean when...

• someone send you an email with reference to your blog that says "Hmmmmmmm!"


• Your Beloved shares that they feel unloved because you never do anything for them and then completely forgets you have made 15 000 cups of coffee today?


• The Goddess whispers in my ear "hush..." and I wasn't even speaking


• I have weird dreams about a woman who messed with my energy - blerk!


• I can't stop thinking of my Mum - she passed 4 years ago


• I don't want to think about my Mum - her choices hurt too much


• I desperately want a hug from my Mum


• And I just want her to go away and leave me alone

Crying at 7:52am... isn't that a good start to the day. I know everyone has issues with their Mum and maybe it is because it is soon Christmas - I just want this to go away.

There is no-one I have ever spoken to who understands,- I know there are women out there who have experienced similar to me but I have never met any.

I don't want to admit it all actually happened...

Insight.......... my relationship with the Goddess - powerful reflection of my relationship with my Mother.

Mum - never trusted me, invaded my space, controlled me, lied to me, invalidated me, humiliated me, left me, abused me, abandoned me, inspired me, frightened me, sickened me, loved me.

I have seen the shadow of the Face of the Great Mother incarnate - a chameleon who everybody loved and always appeared to be wonderful, loving and perfect. I saw and lived the truth.

She was not a violent or aggressive woman my Mum - really a very sweet lady - there are only a few of us who really knew her.

And now I sit and think - "I don't want you (who are reading this) to think she was a bad woman" !?! Go figure... still I want to defend her - after all she was my Mum...

And in my head I hear - "Karen, don't share this stuff - it is private"

ALL MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO SHARE because I make other people uncomfortable with my openess and honesty and raw emotion.

I may not be saying everything there is to say right here right now - yes I censor myself still - but I am going to share the bits I feel safe to. This is who I am.

I am not a girl who will keep her mouth shut and yet I have for so long and it is scary to speak out.

Don't know if I am ready for all the consequences...

They do not hurt me now - but no matter what I tried it never worked to stop them.

Today is a day to sit with the pain and love me.

May your day be filled with Peace and blessings xxxxx

May your day be filled with Love and blessings.